As I mentioned, as of July 18th, I have not exercised due to to the hypertonic or tight pelvic floor muscles. A huge disappointment as I was starting to feel stronger each day. The happy high I was getting after my workouts was also a major bonus that I am no longer getting and I can feel it in my energy levels and mood.
If you have tight pelvic floor muscles, depending on the severity, you will have problems with constipation, lower back pain and the inability to empty the bladder which can lead to other issues if not addressed. On Monday, I had an appointment for a transabdominal ultrasound, which involves placing a transducer on the abdomen and a transvaginal ultrasound, which involves using a transducer internally in your lady bits. This technician confirmed that my muscles were super tight based on the pain I felt and was my third confirmation that my pelvic floor muscles were ridiculously tight after I started my exercises in May. Another contributing factor? All the sitting I do working from home.
I have been doing the physical therapy exercise every single day since my in person appointment last Wednesday. Anything to get back to normal. My worry has been the state of my kidneys since I’ve had intense back pain that has nothing to do with subluxation this time. I have tried different stretches to see if it’s my hip flexors that are giving me more pain because those are tight too. So are my hamstrings, calves… you name the body part, and it’s tight.
I ask myself, how in the ever loving world did I get to this point? Then my mind goes to the reason that time and again I promised I’d push past and not keep telling the same old story out loud. My boob biopsy. My nightmare boob biopsy. The botched boob biopsy performed by incompetents who left my poor boob looking like Cody Rhodes after he tore his pec muscle. Mine wasn’t as big as it was just the boob, nor was it as dark but it was painful.
It’s frustrating to keep starting over and over and over again. My main goal has been to get stronger, healthier so I can begin teaching and help others. Here I am back to square one and worried if I’m going to get through it all. My kidneys have been my main concern lately but so far my doctors have assured me I’m in no danger. A temporary comfort as I think about the assistant and doctor who dismissed my dad and said “oh he’ll be fine, if anything happens, bring him back,…and he died. I have yet another doctors appointment, this time with a Urogynecologist. We will see how that goes.
With all of this going on, I was going to just shut down this website because that negative Nancy was chirping in my ear saying “why did you bother doing this, you’ll never get better…your site is trash anyway, why continue, you’re not helping anyone by writing anything” Bla bla bla. The whole day was like this, and then I picked up the book my dear friend Jani Roberts sent me recently called “The Shaman’s Path To Freedom” by don Juan Ruiz. I re-read the first chapter that touched on a few things, one being unconditional love….for yourself. We are soo negative with ourselves. We belittle, trash, and are downright cruel to ourselves sometimes. But would you say these things to a friend that you say to yourself? Or what if you heard your friend or family member talking to themselves that nasty way. What would you tell them? You’d probably give them words of encouragement and point out all the good qualities they have and how special they are to your life and to the world. Why can’t we do this for ourselves more often?
It’s tough. It’s something we learn over time and it’s a nasty habit to break. It’s not easy to break that habit, and we will stumble time and time again, but if we practice to get better at complimenting ourselves instead of hurling insults or putting ourselves down, we may get to the point where we aren’t soo mean. We may get to a point where we can flip that switch quickly and pat ourselves on the back or give ourselves kudos for just trying or showing up.
I guess you could say I was able to do this today after reading that chapter again, because I didn’t shut down this website. I didn’t forgo writing today even though I did not exercise. I am posting an update that I did do my physical therapy exercises. I did walk inside for 15 minutes and I did my check in for the day.
Tomorrow I will try to get some movement in the form of chair yoga to see if that helps with my stiffness and doesn’t add to my pelvic floor tightness.
Until tomorrow my phoenixes. Keep going!
Mind Body Synergylia 