“Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return” the priest standing inside the ‘Ashes to Go’ tent located outside of St John the Divine Church told me as he spread the ashes on my forehead.
I became emotional and apologized for my emotions. Tears were welling up in my eyes and a huge knot was forming in my throat. I was yearning to go into the church to attend mass, but I had left work for a quick 30 minutes just so I could go get my ashes for the first time in well over 20 years. Soo much has been going on in my life that I wanted to embrace this day and the significance of getting the ashes.
Ash Wednesday represents the beginning of Lent for Western Christians, a day for deep introspection on human mortality and our need for spiritual renewal. As this holy season unfolds, believers are invited to embrace generosity, commit to fasting and dedicate themselves to prayer, continuing these traditions until the sun sets on Holy Thursday. Lent takes place over 40 days (about six weeks). This reminds us of the 40 days Jesus fasted in the desert while resisting the temptations of the devil. On Ash Wednesday, many believers start acts of penitence, such as giving up comforts, or commit to performing acts of service throughout the Lenten season. Others try to begin a new spiritual practice, such as creating time for personal reflection.
I went to Catholic grammar school, high school and college so Ash Wednesday was always an important time as was all the Catholic holidays and events. Prayer was a daily part of life and I always felt hope no matter what, especially when I was in church. As an adult, with work and life, slowly that part of my life took a backseat until praying just became something I did during Thanksgiving and Christmas before dinner.
I still went to church now and again but not like I used to. I also had an on again off again relationship with God where I’d pray and be faithful for a time and then when something bad would happen or the other shoe would drop, my faith would drop too. I dropped God really fast with no hesitation. I was left with anger and frustration at the fact that I kept getting knocked down and just couldn’t get a break no matter how hard I tried.
Looking back, this was kind of like a child throwing a tantrum the way I acted towards religion. Joel Osteen touches on this in a few of his sermons and he’s right. But how to do you stick with God…keep having faith when the curveballs of life keep coming at you? When you just got over one mountain of stuff and now you are faced with another? You kind of have to have blind faith. That unwavering faith and trust that what is happening to you now is meant to be, that there are lessons to be learned, inner growth to experience in those tough times and that the good times are just around the corner.
Do I always believe this? It’s hard to honestly. I struggle with this a lot and I know that it’s because the spiritual light in me has been out for a long time. I felt that light, that spiritual magic when I would go to church. I remember going to a church near my job daily when I first started working there. I was miserable and lonely and that was my refuge from the misery and depression that place gave me early on. That sweet calm feeling that for me, always came when I would sit quietly and pray or meditate.
With everything going on in the past year, I got to thinking about my faith and you wanna know something? I miss it like crazy. Watching a Christmas movie recently called Wish for Christmas (2016) starring Joey Lawrence, reminded me how much I miss embracing the faith I grew with in abundance. This movie was about a teenager who was tired of all her parents rules and constant need to insert faith into everything and wishes her parents stopped believing on God. In the end, she learns the true meaning of Christmas after seeing the chaos that her wish brings on.
I loved it because of the faith based storyline and it made me miss all the traditions, services, religion classes that my schools had. In grammar school we’d sing O Come O Come Emmanuel after lunch during advent and light the candles. We’d have church services every Friday and in high school, we’d go to St Patrick’s Cathedral for mass on certain holidays. It was easy to feel close to God because he was everywhere in school.
Now not having any of that, I have lost a lot of that magic in my heart. Churches here aren’t open 24/7 like they used to be. In order to go to church on a weekday I’d have to go all the way downtown to do so which is something I couldn’t do a for a while with my stomach but I may do just that now that I’m getting better stomach wise.
I am also going to look online to see if there are any weekly masses that are streamed like St Francis does on holidays because with things going the way they have been lately, I need a little more help to keep me going.
I do have the groups I am a part of which meet virtually, I also have the tools I learned via my friend/wellness coach and I am starting to get into some Buddha videos that my brother has turned me on to which talk about life. I love exploring all avenues that deal with mind/body/health and that will also include what’s worked for me for years. My faith in God to keep me afloat with the most recent challenges I am facing.
Until next time my Phoenixes. Keep going, find your passion and be kind to yourself. You got this!
Mind Body Synergylia 