Today started out like all the others, I got on my air walk trainer, and today, I set a new goal. 20 MINUTES! 20 minutes, which felt pretty easy, so I was on cloud nine! I was then going to meet my friends at a NY Mets sponsored festival at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I couldn’t wait to post pictures of the event and the smiling faces, including my own. I was excited and ate well all week. Drank my water even kept up with my exercise and bam.
CUE IBS/GASTRITIS. My intestines were doing the lambada again, and the pressure on my stomach felt like wrestler Yokuzuna was sitting on them. This week on Monday, Memorial Day, I never mentioned I missed out on going to the movies with my mom and brother, but the same thing happened. My stomach was in knots, and at the last minute, I couldn’t go. Today, I missed out again. Today broke me again. The weather is beautiful as I can see through my old windows. I see people walking down the street and living life, and I’m here again at home with the toilet as my permanent seat and a heating pad as my best friend.
Just when I think I’m turning a corner with this, I come right back to where I have been with this since I started working in the corporate world a few years ago. I’ve canceled so many plans and have lost friends that I had gotten used to the solitude and just talking to a few over instant messenger. I rarely make plans because I never know how my stomach will be. It’s soo unpredictable. Then I have a good few days or a week and truly believe I’m back to just having tolerable IBS, and I can totally deal with that.
Not a chance. The funny thing is, sitting on the sidelines cripples me emotionally. I have worked hard on not letting it and have come a long way since last year. In the past I have suffered through bouts of sadness like many do and then it goes away, but since 2013, I have suffered through depression on and off and that stuck with me as my symptoms have worsened.
They say that solitude is a good thing and you can be alone with your thoughts and have peace and for many that can be true. But what do you do when aside from those you live with, the only other faces you see are videos of those you follow on Instagram or Facebook or on zoom/google meets?
I know tomorrow is a new day, but for today. It’s off to bed early.
TODAY PLAYLIST
Who I am (Chyna Theme song) – WWE and Jim Johnston
Line in the Sand (Evolution) – WWE and Motorhead
Special Op (The Shield) -WWE and Jim Johnston
Army of Me – BJORK
In the Air Tonight -The Protomen
Mind Body Synergylia 