As I mentioned in previous posts, these past few months have been a struggle. The most recent issue I was dealing with was the Barrett’s Esophagus that came up in the labs from the endoscopy. Then I had blood and stools tests done to check my vitamins levels and to see if I have C-Diff (a bacteria that causes diarrhea and colitis) which can occur if you are taking PPI’s. I did mention what the two things that came up were in my previous post (prediabetes in my blood and elevated calprotectin in my stool test and was doing well managing my emotions after seeing these two results so I could enjoy Christmas and not cause more stress on my body with out of control emotions. Also, I have to wait to see what my gastroenterologist says in my appointment next week.
But today I am not okay. Today I am a mess. Searching on google is something we all do and it can be a good thing and a bad thing. I have been searching and searching for information on Crohn’s, and other possible causes for intestinal inflammation and all info points to Crohn’s. What made my mood worse today was, I have had a sore that comes and goes when I eat and in these past 3 days it’s not going away. Typing in a new search, I read that Crohn’s can give you mouth ulcers. So this just made my heart sink. I started looking back and saw a pic I took at an Old Navy when I was trying on Bikini’s so I could wear one that summer. Right there I could spot a bit of inflammation (which was the gastritis back then) I had which wasn’t as bad as the inflammation I have now. My mind started going over what I should have done differently. Like not trust the doctor and get a second opinion. Funny thing is I remembered after getting an endoscopy in 2022 and not getting any help from that doctor, I did seek out a second opinion from another gastroenterologist a few months later and the response from his office was that the doctor looked at the lab results I sent over and that he would have ordered the same tests, he doesn’t do second opinions, and to go back to my previous gastro for help. Another useless doctor who can’t be bothered.
My eyes began to fill with tears, so I tried the tapping while I was in the shower. This actually helped immensely and I felt a lot calmer despite my stomach giving me grief and sneezing like a mad woman, and then I decided to have a movie going in the background as I worked. I love any movie where cooking is part of the storyline. Today, my heart kept sinking at the sight of the pastries because it reminded me again of a life I wanted. A life in that world that I was a part of for a brief time. I have been able to get past this before, but today I couldn’t. Then they started drinking coffee and hot chocolate and I just started bawling.
Coffee, hot chocolate, candy canes, endless pastries. I enjoyed all of these once upon a time. I was hopeful I would get back to enjoying these again but today my hope’s are hanging by a thread. What if this is Crohn’s? With my inability to take many meds, how am I supposed to deal with this? Soo the sadness set in hard, I cried and a wave of hopelessness came over me. It’s the holidays so I don’t want to text the few friends I have about this and ruin their holiday so I choose to write in my public journal/blog to get my feelings out and see if I can sort them out or flip the switch to make today a good day.
So here we go. What’s going right for me right now? Well, the Voquezna has helped and I can now swallow water and don’t have to puree my food unless it’s a super dry dish like Pernil (pork shoulder) and then I will just chop it up really small and add some water before I heat it up so it’s moist and then I can eat it. I had a burning mouth all day everyday since November and now I don’t have that anymore. I’m not going to the bathroom 6 to 8 times a day, After I eat lunch or dinner, I am not rushing to the bathroom anymore either. I can eat things with salt again as it is not irritating my throat anymore. Other positive things? I am getting stronger physically since I am able to walk longer distances, carry heavier items (5 to 8 pounds) depending on the day.
Other blessings in my life? I have my two rocks, my mom and brother who love me unconditionally and always try to help me in my pain however they can, two groups supportive of warriors and goddesses I am a part of, I hat have a job, a home and my comic con artwork that hangs on my walls and memories of all the good times I have had a NYCC. (I know I mention Comic Con a lot, but this stuff makes me happy.) I am not rich financially, but with the people around me I am rich and blessed.
Does this all make me feel better? Yes emotionally, it does. Physically, I am bloated and my stomach is making noises like an annoyed cat, not to mention I’m a bit nauseous. However, I’m hoping that whatever I end up eating today, helps settle my stomach and that I feel better tomorrow to ring in the New Year at midnight watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve w/ Ryan Seacrest with my mom.
Until next time my phoenixes. Today might suck eggs, bricks etcc.. but tomorrow is a new day and you never know what that day may bring. Keep going, never give up!!!
I truly hope 2026 brings you all health, luck and happiness.
Mind Body Synergylia 